No turning water into wine

A Teaspoon Of Hope Please: Confessions

cath465 — Mon, 17 Dec 2012 13:34:24 -0500

I created this blog on December 17, 2012.

Someone one tumblr said she wants to end her life.

She isn’t answering anymore.

From the bottom of my heart I hope she’s fine.

I want to help.

I want everyone who thinks that they have nothing to live for to talk to me.

Send your confessions…

Selfless

cath465 — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 12:41:13 -0500

Being selfless is a vague concept.

I’ve come to understand that lots

of us believe ourselves to be

selfless from time to time.

We believe that we have put

someone elses wishes before our

own and we might have done so.

But with what motives?

When a selfless act is used

as a guilt device, making the

indepted party feel like they

need to return the favor,

can this be called selflesness?

And when you act selflessly but

do it for the wrong reasons?

Just to convince yourself you

have some compassion?

Just so that you can sleep at night?

-K

Someone you don't have to love

cath465 — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 12:32:33 -0500

It’s true that some people make it really easy

for others to hate them. Whethers it’s just a

coping mechanism to deal with life or not,

isn’t the issue here. The question is, what

do you do with that? Once you realize that

you don’t really have to love anyone?

Maybe you have to love your family,

unconditionally. You grow up with them,

you accept their faults, sometimes you

even think their crooked ways to be normal.

But what about everyone else? People

you meet over the course of your life, people

that don’t have to love you. Do you maybe

love them? Some of them, over time?

And the bigger question is, if your

family wasn’t your family, would you

still love them?

-K

Going, going, gone

cath465 — Sat, 06 Oct 2012 13:44:43 -0400

Hehhhehhhhhhhe

Less than a day

Don’t fret

You’ll go away

waste away

Hehhhehhhhhhhe

New same start

All over again

Less than necessary

Going, going, gone

Asleep

cath465 — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 14:17:00 -0400

Deep in the shell of my heart I would feel so glad to go..

Send me to sleep..

When your inner turbulance gets so tremendously gigantic that it overwhelms you,

maybe you want someone else to take action for you, since it seems that you cannot.

But you’re screaming loudly, people are around you but they don’t hear you,

they don’t hear a thing.

Are they deaf?

Or act like they can’t hear you?

Maybe you’re asking for a simple song, sing to me!

Maybe you want them to accept you, so that you can accept yourself.

But that won’t happen, they don’t hear you, they don’t want to hear you.

You’ve stepped outside the boundaries of normal, of sane, it’s scary now.

What have you become? Shut it down!

Why do you think you can change the world? How dare you? Put it to sleep now!

You’re screaming? We’ll make sure there is no soul left in you even to speak.

You want to challenge society? You question our ways? We’ll destroy you!

Slowly. We’ll alter you, we’ll make you join us.

And if we can’t, you don’t matter to us.

There is millions more like you.

You’re trivial. A depressed little kid who couldn’t deal.

Uncapable. Unworthy.

Don’t fight it know.

In a little while you’ll be convinced of your insignificance.

How little you have to offer, how little you matter.

And deep in the shell of your heart, you’ll feel so glad to go.

Paddling through

cath465 — Sat, 08 Sep 2012 13:31:00 -0400

Most people are attracted to messy things and messy people. There are three primary reasons for that:

They want to internalize other people’s problems and sadness, make it their own and suffer for it. Those people that crave mess for that reason are most of the time in belief that sadness is normal, they can’t remember themselves not beeing sad or depressed. For them their is something romantic in being alone, in your own little dark box.
They believe they can save them. It’s the damsel in distress sydnrome reversed, they are in need of saving someone, they persuade themselves that their helping hand is needed, they think that somehow they’re the one to make them change their messy lifestyle.
They feel that the only way to unleash their own messy personality, is to be with someone just as messy, depressed, fucked-up. They are afraid of judgement and believe that is the only way they won’t be judged.

Whichever the reason is, messy craves messy, sad craves sad, angry craves angry and so on. And the reason for that is that it’s easier to sail through your mess when you’ve got someone else paddling with you.

-K

The prize of devil-may-care

cath465 — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 12:10:00 -0400

For every good that you can do, you pay a price if you don’t do it.

I remember when I was young, my teacher scolded me for not paying attention. I was drawing and also talking to someone at the moment.

“What did I say just now?” she asked.

Without hesitation I repeated the last phrase she had said. It was a phraze in ancient greek, that I still remember today.

And then, with a sad smile on her face, she said to me: “It’s a big thing to be able to do this all those things simultaneously.”

It didn’t seem so big, but I still prided myself in it.

But I realize now, that if you have a good thing, a small talent about you and you let it go to waste it’s more than just a shame or a bad decision. You pay a price for it. Best case scenario you have to live with your wasted potential all of your life.

Worst case.. let’s hope you don’t have to find out for yourselves.

-K

Slowly sinking, wasting

cath465 — Thu, 23 Aug 2012 05:17:22 -0400

You’re 12. You’re in history class and you’re bored out of your mind. But you’re one of those people with the ability to dream with their eyes wide open. Noone realizes it when you escape in your own world, you mask it too well. And you daydream with your eyes open. And as the years pass, you’re stuck in this daydream, it’s the only thing that keeps you hanging. When everything is a mess, you make your escape. In your mind you’re able to correct imperfections like a painter, you can shape peoples’ characters and personalities like a writer. You’re the creator of the story. But lately it doesn’t work. You’re 20 and your best memories have always been in your mind. Where everyone you love is still alive and when people ask you how you are they really want to know. But that’s not enough anymore. Because the people in your mind are phony. And the daydream doesn’t work anymore. That’s when you feel rotten. Because all you ever thought you had wasn’t real.

-K

I feel stupid and contagious

cath465 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 06:36:02 -0400

That’s not just a line that stands out in a now iconic song. A song that became a legend due to the cruel suicide of Kurt Cobain. It’s so much more than that, at least to the people that relate. It’s the agony, the constant anguish that you might be proven stupid and unworthy, to peers, collegues or employees. It’s the feeling that who ever sticks by you, gets sucked in your world, your way of living, gets drown with you. Being someone that has the ability to affect people and their decisions, you can help them make the wrong ones. And when your relationship with people is a love-hate one, you can kill them, murder them, slowly, painfully from the inside. Being someone who is capable of destruction, someone willing to self destruct and who doesn’t care who is collateral damage down this path, it’s a dangerous thing. And being able to identify this capability of destruction and also acknowledge all else that is out there, makes you aware of your ignorance, your stupidity. And stupidity along with influence and desperation is the recipe to disaster.

-K

If there is a God and if there isn't one

cath465 — Wed, 22 Aug 2012 04:40:00 -0400

Redemption is a very vague concept. We may seek it in others, God and those around us whom we believe we have wronged, but we ultimately desire it from ourselves. And most of us get it, whether it’s in the form of a cool wind or a harmonious song. But for those of us who don’t, who aren’t ready to allow ourselves to have it, we writhe and sweat and cry and explode silently on the inside since there is no other way to express our frustration.

-K